Its been a while since I showed up for one of these crazy wed night group rides..   Since only 2 people emailed me that they were showing up, I knew we would have a polish catholic bakers dozen..   GB (mistressless, lightless, supert-less), Focker, DQM (thats drop quality managment - making sure every landing is perfect or he wont attempt it), Arnold (ZS for zero speed), TT, Brick, PIT, Puke, PMD, Splatt (have to get him a new name like sushi nazi, or unawi, or unagi, or edamamme, or just call him any sushi name), CT (on his gravitationaly immune ride), Neil, Joe Dirt, who the fock am I missing??  Anyway - Trouble couldnt make it as he was on the side of the highway bench pressing a very heavy tree that landed on his _____..  Gi-Jane decided to do some Skirt Stuffing instead.... Speaking of stuffers - what happened to SS??  HLM emailed me and informed me that they have found insane Single track and incredible nightly 3-way sex..  He has been too busy riding, and riding, and working on everyones bike to even write a recrap.. 

Anyway - some late cummers like PIT were left at the gate in order to continue a 10 year tradition of riding alone in the woods with bloody appendages...  We are on a new mission to ride a different looop at the mess..  Past green gate we are headed up the wastelands bypass trail...   Lungs burning im up front with Ct and focker greated by a new piece of wasteland singletrack that goes WEST - of course we take it and it brings us back to the old wastelands trail...  YES!!  I love it when a plan comes together..  Up wastelands lots of lungs lost..   Rookie taking it up the rear, stomach hunched over the bars..

We gather, onward, reft turn, up the log pyramid, to Hot Lips Rock, wait again, 13 conversations going on...  Shoot over to french fry for entertainment..  Me first up to ensure DQM's safety, CT, JD, unagi, too many to list, brick, arnold, drop nicely, DQM contemplates, as his rear travel has shrunken to 3" (a common excuse in this cold wind), Garder Belt gets some straps caught in his crank and lands on a crooked front wheel - new neil lands a little nose heavy (must be that 5 lb HIV light), DQM hucks kicking it down a notch..  Next drop, couple takers, to downhill I THINK QM passes me - (im like what the fock - is he on gonadvil or something - headed for crash test like a torspeedo), but no I was tricked by the brand new blue bullit its rider formerly know as splatt, riding like a spicy tuna roll glides down my throat..  GULP - Crashes hard CT takes his hands off the bars and applauds..  I huck some 1 footers on the way down, dodging debris on the trail..  WInd is blowing about 35-50, (nice tail wind)...  At the bottom we wait, and wait and wait..  Arnold has technicals - I climb all the way back up to give directions to his sorry kona ass - Hope he made it out..  He has a bad track record with our group - first the mount higby adventure now this - some day he will complete a ride - should be a goal - please come back for more!!  So one more trip down the sweet yellow, I see splatt looking for "a little rubber thing" on the side of the trail..  Cant take this guy anywhere..

So while im adding vert. to my trip the rest found a rock to play on..  Upon my return - this is priceless - DQM is contemplating the 2.3 footer with the soft landing..  Too small for me to try - im up to 2.68 feet on the bullit, cant go lower, cant..  SO CT rolls the higher one, DQM gets guilted into it - launches like a steak knife abortion (dirty dancing, mountain like virgina - almost rode there), anyway - he lands shoving that 3 " up his ass and over the bars, into some small trees..  I dont think anyone even stopped to see if he was OK..  Onward, FOcker flats - the rest waiting on dell reeves road, PMD goes up and helps focker remove a tree with his new trail saw..

Down fire road - to evil triangle of death, couple parking lot coalition laps in honor of the homos that didnt make it tonight due to lame ass excuse #'s and fear of the heavy gold family jewel wearing A-TEAM..  Anyway PMD and california roll want to extend this swiss cheese ride so we head for new green, its ducks (thats almost dusk), Im still waiting for the HIV behind me to light up the hole forest - didnt happen..  New trail - actually new for some..  Lots of debris - I cleared the way on A&W mobile, whiped out 14 times etc...  Night roller was cool, watch out for the OTB "helper rock"..  TO big drop area - CT decides its his - I warn GB that he should see it in daylight (yes me the mother figure) so the rest gather on 5 foot drop as we await CT's 747 landing, right as he is approaching, spider roll comes riding towards the landing pad, and grab his arm - saving his new bullit and CT's ass..  Nice landing - CT is more insane than ever..  Get a full face man.. To Power lines, to rock up - I cluster fock it, cant see sheeeit, "follow my line" - sorry..  3 footer diving board - CT gets, onward, to fire road clark hill parking, up to area 51 (I didnt see any HIV lights pass me!!), to goat to home.. 

This was perhaps the coolest night ride ever!!  Stormy winds throwing debris into our helmets, clouds traveling above us like a sped up fantastic scene from a movie..  13 riders, ready and willing to follow - Nice forking ride - great group, decent pace, moderate technicalities, gonzo night riding drops..

So its sushi for some of us..  PMD, me, focker, brick and miso headed to Sapporo..  Splatt is the sushi master and has traveled the world in search of the perfect fresh water eel..  I have to write my drink order on a napkin because its soooo complicated..  Great food - brick loved the fish ass soup and edamame - "whoos mamme?"  Good game

Rating - Ok it is sept 11th so I want to be polically correct here again..  So im thinking of buying  a new lighting system and I think the HIV craze will be over soon..  So this new system is powered by the new alkaita alkaline batteries and provide 15 times the power that HIP lights provide..  The downfall is that they smell like a high school locker room..  So the battery consists of severy Ak members shrunk down to mouse size and inserted into a water bottle..  In the bottle is a tiny excersize bike attached to a generator that powers the bright green metal halide handle bar mount boobs..  The glowing green boobs are not as bright as HIP, but will keep the mountain bike world guessing..  They are available at quintannamobaymtbooblights.com for 5 dollars..

The rating transaltion - just 2 green glowing boobs that you will follow for 7.5 miles 1000 vertical!! (1500 for me - no joke) 2.5 hours of wind swept pain..