Ride I - Better bring your balls for Valley Falls

Sat - 1:00 - Commuter lot at valley valls..  QM, S&B, JOE (needs a name, ok Joe Dirt for now), Jane (PK Porn King), Beastmaster (or new name CL Crash Land), puke and PMD..   Headed out for an epically short in length huge in amplitude free-ride frenzy..  Drop one 6 footer beast master and GI-J drop twice for the camera..  Some youngins then appear in the distance, must have caught wind of the puke smell in the air (or beast master may have clued them in)..  So - I didn't get too many names - ill do my best..  Mike on the cliff cat 10" travel bike, kid on rigid blacky with the big tires, older kid on kona frame that cracked, later another bullit pilot with chrome visor..

So we are standing amidst the A++++ team at the coolest free-ride spot in CT made by midnight elves.  First group drop was a warm up on 3 footer - couple solo drops then train of the whole crew, dropping right on top of me..  Yup tire tracks across my face and camera lens..  Priceless..  Next up, adjustable ramp jump 456..  Everyone aired with style as beastmaster kept adding log spacers..  His last jump was a semi perfect crash landing that we missed on video..  Basically he landed, but then got launched by the approaching berm and guided his carcass between a couple trees and then finally into one.. 

Next up double jump 5 footer to 3 footer..  All the A+++ team of course does laps..  Later QM rides it with his picnic basket style camcoder bag around his neck, crazy semi crash, twisted abortion landing, but he does stay on the bike..  Joe sees this and decides this drop is for him, launches it with style twice..  Another ramp drop up on the hill, all the ++++ ride it, Beastmaster drops right behind someone riding below on one shot..  To bushwack drop Jane airs, second try "clear", "CLEAR", I didnt have a chance to start the camera before I saw GI-J airborne with 3 dogs right below him - they cleared when they heard him sliding down the brass pole towards there hairy, slimy heads..  Scooby doo (QM's dog) also has a habit of sleeping under ramps..  Probably likes the shade under the bumper of an X-terra too.. 

ONward, 50 more feet to BIG ASS DROP..  The youngins are doing hucking laps..  Beastmaster launches and crash lands with style..  He must know that the crash page is the most popular on the bikerag site..  15 milliseconds of fame..  BK (thats the guy with the Broken Kona), pulls off a nice mulch peeler landing too, his front wheel spitting up trail dirt, leaves and sticks like the rear wheel of a motocross bike..  Both crash's will be on "you gotta see this" very soon im sure of it!!  PMD makes GI drop the big one again for cinematic style points.

OK - this is getting boring, ill skip to the rest of the highlights, too much hucking not enough trash talking..  Slinky zipper we saw this stunt like a year ago and said "nobody rides this"..  "whoever is making this stuff, is just trying to kill people"..  Well the later is true, but both GI-J and Beast master pull it off with a hitch..  GI-J first says "I rode this clean once but never again" - puke "don't you have to ride it twice to really say you made it"..  So after 69 seconds of zen, thinking about naked strippers sliding down poles, the 70's porn music is now in his head, he rides to the end, tries to huck but nothing happens, the music stops and he somehow lands surprisingly on both wheels..  Beastmaster up - no problem - cleans it with added style points on the landing, one ups GI-J with an inverted wheelie landing, one hand on the bars, the other smaking his top tube like its an ass in that 70's porn film..

See saw - too easy for these guys, 6 foot high 2x4 ramp blah blah blah..  Airborne team taking high speed laps on the 4 foot ramp, all getting like 8 foot high air x 20 feet long or so..  QM nails the 2 foot ramp now that his cherry is popped..  Up the trail to yet more stunts..  GI riding the inverted wheelie down the 14 foot steep narrow ramp..  "Crack I tell you!" - as crash and burn would say..  I SAY - he just has  deal with Beelzebub..  Bigger seesaw - insane, to 2 foot drop..  (me, qm and joe even did the 2 footer!!!)  GI got some excellent video footage of my left crank and some spokes..  To long up, my new nemisis - after 10 tries I gave up.. 

Last notable stunt..  10 foot roller that you somehow start to roll but then launch off, fly down hill to spaghetti red see saw..  Chrome helmet drops the 10 footer, and is headed down the trail, hits a tree and over the bars .. OUCH..  Next he tries again, cleans it, moves on to the see saw that is like 8 feet high and falls off like a ton of bricks..  DAM..

An unbelievable experience to watch these guys in a frenzy of skill, adrenaline and testosterone..  Lots of video for the movie "riding on trails with dogs"

Rating - just one PUkemeister, SPEECHLESS for the first time in history!!!  Oh who am I kidding??  One pukemeister with a mini DV, yes kids, and Im at the local freeride spot but cant figure out who to film, the fearless free ride huckers or the naked lesbian fockers..  Yup, I FINALLY took a trip to the gold club and hired some adult entertainers for trailside encouragement..  And you wonder why beastmaster biffed twice, all those juggys cheering him on..  Thank GOD for the silicone landing..  The rating - just one huge free-ride orgy lesbian strap on sticking, bike hucking, up chucking, finger focking flesh slapping, bike breaking, nipple twitching, with no bitching FRENZY..  Camel back? I say camel toe..   Grip shift? I say grip THIS.  Frame damage? I say dame bramage. Face plant? I say implant.  You say biff, there in the buff..  As you well know I could go on for days...

OK - lets just say I filmed the bikes in the air and leave it at that..

Ride II - Grayville - small ride, so lets everyone invite everyone we know!!!

Well we were far below the 25 person limit sign posted in the parking lot, I didn't invite anyone (just ask LB!), and 15 or so showed up..  It was Crash Test, TT, Jane, Focker, HLM, NB, HL, HJ, LUTC, JD (Joe Dirt), Puke, PMD, PD, Glider, & Kona..  Did I miss anyone, if I did you would feel pretty focking stupid if I remembered the dog, but not you!!  So I brought 2 bikes, Jane brought 2 bikes and focker brought no bikes and bought no bikes..  He is looking for a 4" travel free-ride bike that is weightless, and frictionless, with no Neil and bob, and preferably something that does not make him look more gay, and not snap in 2 weeks...  Oh it should also be costless since he will be jobless in less than 2 weeks...  Welcome back focker.....  ehhhh.... Focker just spent a week up at club supersex in canada - see what happens to a man with no bike..  So we get going after HJ removes the fishing line from his rear wheel - fish biking - interesting concept - Moas will be intruiged..  He is currently on a mission to windsurf fish and kayak fish..  No Joke!!!

So AB tried to show up but was late SDF (that's Sh!t Dam Fock), so he climbed up to the neighborhood and chatted with preppy scum..  The rest of us did the same loop as wed..  New trail couple flats, NB figures out she has a little nub in her tire, NO im not talking about HLM, the other little nub that's always getting in her way...  So we hang at double tree rock once again..  OH - I forgot - this is EPIC - Jane actually dabbed like a school girl on a little hill and I passed even though she tried to block my vision with a camo skirt..  A first and probably last... bastard..  So onward we tool along awesome single-track, various people riding as slow as slugs (yes that's me), but still fun..  To pine needle forest the group gathers to wait..  Jane...obviously  bored wants to ride hogi yogi, so we wife swap and find each others wives to ride completely different..  I found that when I bounced up and down on top of her  there wasn't enough side to side swing arm action to get me through the tight parts..  Jane wasn't too fond of the upright stem, but was ready to dive blindly right into the bushy deep end with that BIG slack fork that rides like a chopper..  "just because it has 2 wheels, doesnt make ita bike" - I resemble that..  Anyway, we gathered again, rode on..  PMD follows me over a big drop and makes it - Yehaw!! 

Ok - T - Uphill - follow me - Log ride, I slide off twice, CT crash's hard but luckily lands on his hands and face saving his ankle..  GI slid off just to make us feel better..  TT cleans, onward we take TT's trail instead of whacking it which is what I did last time..  Hey you all followed..  To rock ridge to Holy trail..  Bunch of takers on the first descent I cleaned 90%, While GI took the easy route over the 3 footer..  Nobody rode the skinny log because "there is nothing skinny here!! - beastmaster"..  To first ramp bridge, I anxiously whip out my axe and nails to impress KA with my speedy ramp repair..  TOO FOCKING FUNNY - So I whack like 4 nails in and who comes walking up through the trees with is DOG - Its KA with hammer and rungs in hand..  Can you believe those odds??  Lets go to Vegas for the next bike trip..  Trouble is in..  Onward, fix the rungs, ride - fun sleazy bridge, to 3 option down.. GI launches with no spectators to land on..  CT on the left roller, the rest of us took the right skirt line or walked..  To hard up ramp..  To big ramps..  Interesting, HJ (alias budha) is shaking with anticccccapation..  Cleans the first set, I follow, rides then next then STOPS where your not supposed to STOP for OBF contemplation..  So he falls like a ton of bricks (even though he only weighs 130 lbs wet), from the 8 foot rock down to the 3 foot rock and takes the whole impact with his body...  OUCH ...  I put my hands over my eyes twice during the crash and he was STILL falling..  Bounces back up and ready for more..  Next up, pregnant Dave or PD, not realizing how the 4 foot wide bridge turns into a skinny steep off camber roller from hell..  Too late to contemplate - he commits and pulls it off, but leaves his stomach up the trail where he walks up for retrieval..  HL and NB get the first ramp..  HLM having fond memories of chin shots on wed..  Focker made the first ramp second try on the FSR..

OK - who's in for more - need I ask??  circle jerk back to find the Viagra trail..  we find it, and ride some awesome single track but miss the long hard log ride.. We did find this really cool 1/2 log pyramid that I half launched over, then TT, Then GI airs it, then CT crash's, PMD over the bars..  Low tree, we continue down to G road..  Onward??  YES!!  More single track that is all downhill my ass TT..  Cool 2x6 crossing, steep make able ups, awesome downs to river where TT and Kona bath..  Back on grassy trail where Jane falls in love with a tree (a new stunt called the gynecological exam, or the proctologist depending which way you ride it and how "hard" you fall), Gi cleans, CT squirrels through, HLM gets stuck in the crack but has a curious smile, I hop up and down on the crack, hoping to make it wider with my hugeness, but it wont fit so I hop off with style (clunk clunk clunk - white lightning dripping off my crank)  HJ tries it too but this is a family show so he is carded at the ass entry..

Back to car - Nice ride, good game nice game good game..

Triple x is how I rate, im the one your parents Hate..  Actually just 4.5 glasses of ice-T should quench your thirst..  Speaking of strippers, I took a wrong turn last night on the way home from Storrs and turned into this place called the "electric blue"..  I thought it was a restaurant and was starving so I came in and had the special..  It was a soft shell crab sandwich with these exotic alfalfa sprouts, topped with a cream dressing..  It smelled fishy but it was a crab sandwich..  So just one DNA sandwich with 4.5 really expensive iced-t's to wash it down..  Trouble what's it called when you eat a sandwich (a crab sandwich) while your getting a lap dance??  can we come up with some term for that..  GI may already have one..  SnackerLapping???  You won't find that term on any sitcom!!