Actually, picturing you locked in the closet its pretty funny.  Ok  Cajun tempeh

take the slab and cut in thirds, then cut again in 1/2 ("filleting") so that the
slabs are about 1/4" thick or thin.
beat the crap out of 2 eggs in bowl
make mix of bread crumbs and cajun seasoning (chili powder, cyan, thyme, white
pepper, cumin, black pepper etc...)
dip tempeh in eggs, then coat with bread crumbs
fry in olive oil on medium heat until brown.

sauce  - - you can use pasta sauce or my "special sauce" - I know thats sick

red pepper sauce (im making this up as I go along so bear with me)
roast 2 red peppers, peel skin after black, dont use mancini peppers, thats lame

Sautte onions, garlic, shallots in pan
throw it all in a blender with some soy sauce and fish sauce, and it might not
suck.
Good luck!  Dont follow the recipe too closely - be inventive - good luck - jon