G-String and Lawn-Boy Unite or Homo-Incestuous Bigamy in New Jersey…

 

Sept. 28th and Lawn-Boy arrives for our Birthday Weekend with the family. We must ride. No lawn is to high, no carbs call our name and no-bike signs be damned. South Mountain reservation is illegal because some dog-walking Mrs. Howell (not her real name – think Gilligan’s Island) wants a really big back yard to herself. We pass the no-biking signs and proceed to Orange Trail.

Disclaimer: Biking is not allowed on trails. All riding was done on fire roads and paved park roads.

Orange is good…cause it leads to the yellow. The rocky wet and wonderful trail close to home. We pass the lookout on the way…dirty looks…heyI need these kneepads- the asphalt is hard. Down the yellow…trap rock…boneyard style…"undulating trail" says Lawn-boy who obviously was stuck in the crapper recently with only a dictionary. Mud is flying off my rear tire, no wait, those are knobbies. I’ve got no tread left! Flat! Lawn boy looks quietly amused as he swigs from his camelbak…is there Arch Amber in that thing? Two pumps and a lot of mud later we’re off. We arrive at the aptly named Labia…Slippery, tight and tough to conquer. I have to grab a tree mid-way and LB slips on the approach. Oh well time for a refill on those little blue pills. Time to climb…and climb…and walk? No, just a quick stop to hyperventilate and we’re at the top. Past the ruins and the long blue downhill is our reward but who the @%#$ put that huge log half-way down? Lots of speed and no ramp on the backside to help avoid the endo? (Ramp on the backside…na…I won’t touch that one) We proceed through the parking area south of Fagland and three little girls proceed to yell at each other at 93 decibels "Get out of the way!…Lookout!…Bicycles!" We’re tired but we suddenly ride faster. Across the balance beam and climb the orange back to the car.

Rating: Three out of four child actors - Kate and Ashley and their little sis(Dana Plato?) covered in honey and carmelized brown sugar congealing around the mouth preventing outbursts (see above)

Obscure reference rating: 6.8

I’d like Kenda Kinetics with the Sticky Rubber in 2.3 or Nokians of similar type