An Essay - Riding with "wood"

Riding with wood can be fun and I suggest it for everyone, but here are some TIPS. Focker was riding with a lot of wood one day and found it easier to put the wood over his shoulder and into the rear shirt pocket of his jersey. I had just one BIG piece of wood and carried it in my hand, resting on the handle bar, but carefull to keep it out of the spokes. It is easier to screw with hardwood, but softwood can be used for nailing (hardwood can crack if you nail it too hard). If you are riding with wood and things get a little crazy, just remember its ok to "dismount" and yank your wood off, just make sure it doesn't land in the bush. After your done riding with wood it feels so good to release your load. Your usually so exhausted, you don't even care where your load lands, even it makes a mess. Some of the older folks have been using artificial wood because it last longer, but is much more expensive. The artificial wood is a good replacement if the wood you are using becomes soft and rotten too. Long screw or short screw? It depends on the rider... a long screw will penetrate a little deeper, but sometimes a "short screw will do". Regardless of length I suggest using many screws and you should always protect your screws (so they don't rust). You can nail your wood, but sometimes it pops out. Glue doesn't work either as your wood will indeed get wet. If you have trouble lasting the whole ride, just jump off, leave your wood and pick up where you left off next time - it may be disappointing but it beats dropping your load several times before finished. If you drop your load too soon, it may be difficult to get right back on, wait a minute, take a deep breath then try again, the second time it should stay on board longer. Oh and if the wood gets to soft to screw, I suggest some rappid drilling, but I'll warn you it could be noisy. I would avoid riding with wood from the girl scout camp, the wood police hang out there and could bust you for being a woodyfile. I would also avoid riding with wood at gay city and vietnam for obvious reasons. You can practice riding with wood in your backyard as long as your neighbors aren't watching. This concludes my essay on "riding with wood". Next weeks issue will include "why roadies are not so good with their wood" and "woody wood pecker please stay away from my wood you flamboyant tool smoking bird" and ..... OK - Im done

BLAHHHHHH - bla bla - The Engrish professor (A+ ???)