When Ankle-Biter invites you on a ride and says "Tomorrow I'll be going to westwoods around 5. It will be just me and my high school drinkin' and smokin' back slappin' good ol' boy, Danny. It might be a  good day for you to come as Danny has talked me into doing stupid things in the past." - its hard to pass up..  Even after 2 days of brutal riding, heat stroke warnings and the chance of a thunderstorm in a forest of diseased trees that would most likely fall if Joe Gilligan sneezed on them, I had to show up and attempt to bring a small posse with me...

So S&B was in like Flynn, PMD was there with bells on, GI-Jane called me back to bail, it was that time of the month - I said "cry baby soup for you", but then I retracted with sarcastic understanding..  So we meet at Tyler mill - ?who appears like an apparition? - its GI-Jane..  Reverse psychology works every time..  So GI-J was going to bail, but once he saw the severe thunderstorm pass through Manchester, decided he absolutely had to make the ride..  Otherwise a nickname upgrade was eminent like DUTC or Air Kotex...  So packed up and ready to go, tires squeeling, his directions fly out the window so.... he quickly calls splat for PMD's # (hey splatt - what are you doing with PMD's #!!!), but hooks up with us anyway at the lot.. Cluster Fock indeed -  Love it when a plan comes together..  AB arrives with Slappin Danny in the Mini and its off to Westwood's, clear skies, 92 degrees and humid..  Perfect..

Blue trail (sprinkles - Lloyd is probably hiding under the comforter as we speak), AB calls the trail a climb, after a day at salmon I coasted up..  GI-J charges ahead and intuitively takes a left on lavender..  First drop - medium up to 3.45 foot drop - AB and GI-J clean it with style..  Next up - very cool sequence - AB first to "show GI-J the ropes"..  Huck off knife edge drop (3.9'), up and around rock bank turn, cross trail bank left on off camber to 5 footer..  AB rides it with style but lands the 5 footer just a little crooked and biffs..  GI-J a little weary of the off camber drop, cleans the whole dam thing just to piss off AB..  Next up these fockers ride it tandem, GI-J first, AB second (since he plans on crashing)..  S&B takes the right line and wheelies the 2 footer - PMD is impressed..  Next up - Steep downhill - AB cleans with a smear, GI-J gets with no fear, I could have used at least 6 beers..   Nursery rhymes once again, you know, for the kids...  So I slid out on trial one, but the lens cap was on so why even bother right - next try get 50 cm further only to look at the sick line around the tree - not feeling the love.. Danny went assie nipple over teakettle (new move) on the "EASY LINE" that just about killed AB one day and tried to nock a tree away with his head.. Apparently he hit the one healthy tree in the forest..   Comes down to the bottom, sweaty, disoriented and confused, helmet visor wrapped around his nose, you know, the usual..  I am "sweating my ass off", GI-Jane replys "I know, there isn't much left of it" - Im honored he noticed - although it does make him look more gay for the first time.. 

Showing off my new lock on grips Air Jane informs me that they are upside down and backwards - but beside that, I put em on right..  Of course he doesn't realize how easy your hands slip off when you have 2 wheel steering!!!

Up to rock overlook playground..  AB gets down somehow??, I saw no line (invisible ramp?)..  GI up the handicrapped ramp, I follow sloppily whacking my knee..  S&B another 2 footer!!  ok 1.8..  GI-J rock to rock drop..  And PMD rolls the tight tree, I had plenty of excuses & a skirt so I walked it..  Up white, along ridge never follow AB or GI never mind myself..  GI riding like a mountain goat - bahhhhhh....  Big up 3rd times a charm for me, of course AB & GI get it..  To steep up, AB slides out on a 1" twig as he contemplates his seat height and question #349 page 650 in his business law book..  Note to self - always bring the camera when riding with AB..

Side Note:  Ankle Biter was definitely having an off day..  I think he has been too busy studying for the bar exam..  I don't know why he's studying so much!!!  When I took the bar exam I had questions like this:  A screwdriver contains   A) orange juice B) Tomatoe Juice C) vodka  D)  A&C..  Yup and I have the mixology degree to prove it..

Ok - up down around we end up at lobster rock which looks nothing like a lobster..  I woos the right line, clean the left, get in position (yes all 4's you sick bastards) with the camera...  GI & AB clean it..  PMD tries a dozen times but cant get over her fear of riding on shellfish (she's allergic)..  Have some good video of her falling into a pile of tomale' though.. AB & GI-J tandem ride - Who goes first??  There paths collide at the tail then double kamikaze roller..    S&B gets out the medical kit for his little BOO-BOO..  (we have pics) - GI thinks he is shooting up with Slappin Danny (SD)..   To log ride, im in granny one not clipped in but attempt it anyway, just to get in GI's way..  Dab off it and he just about lands on me as usual..  AB gets it..  2nd tries a charm for me..  New lines on the way home, little launcher, airborne team hucks PMD rolls right, I contemplate take the lamo left line land in the leaves (say that 3 times fast!)..  AB and SD are in the 69 starting gate position and GI wants no part..  Makes it 3/4 up with tuck and roll down..  To big drop area..  Its dark..  AB not feeling it takes a warmup line with no warning - swooosh..  So we are standing next to the 6 footer and GI SLOOOOOWLY pedals towards it as if to check it out, then decides to dissapear into the darkness as he rolls it with immense style..  ONce more for the camera and onlookers that missed it..

Train back to Tyler - one wrong turn which actually was the right turn but it was a left, but we turned around realized it was the correct turn, but decided these guys will think we are nuts if we turn around again so we just took a different route home

So back to PMD's house her eye-lids swelled up like puffy thunder storm clouds (no joke).. I kept telling her everything was fine but the 4 eyelids she had grown since 20 minutes ago were not disappearing..   "See I told you I was allergic to shellfish!!!"..  Next time don't rub your eyes on lobster rock!!  Actually she kind of looked like an alvidian compound frog but since Im such a nice guy, I didn't take any pictures and didn't tell a soul !!

Rating - Dream Sequence..  So im in this bizzare 24 hr race, making pretty good time and staying awake..  I think it was a 2 or 3 person team..  Might have been GI and focker..  So the race is on this course with ridiculous drops and rocks so we are just loving it..  But it gets better, the race changes after about 10 laps, and they make us go out on this huge adventure loop as a team..  We are getting tired so we prop our eyelids open with toothpicks and use the GPS to get ahead of the other wandering idiots...   Finish the 24 miler first but its not over, now its 24 hrs meets junkyard wars and we have to build some kind of air ship or plane..  We make this engine powered balloon in like 10 minutes and focker takes it for a spin (It is a dream)..  Yes our craft was the only one with a GPS navigation system..  So you have to launch your craft and retrieve balloons that are located within a 2 mile radius, then come back and land for the win..  Focker takes it for a spin and retrieves 99 red balloons..  I try to take a lap but cant figure out how to fly it, even though I built the focking thing..  This is a dream..  So we think its over, we are in first place, there is NO second place team and the 3rd place team is about to crash land..  This is a dream..  So the final final final stage is to somehow get to New Orleans and bring back a hurricane..  Other teams are blamestorming, figuring out which bikes to ride (silly roadies!), I have no idea what state we are in (mental and physical), but im pretty sure that we are far away..  Sooo  Our team rides our free ride bikes to the airport, fly to new Orleans get some hurricanes, get drunk, get pictures and video of topless lesbian asian ghetto rapping nuns for the movie, fly back to the race tired and drunk only to find out that ..  It was just a dream...

These ratings are getting out of control lately - Gotta tell my people to calm down..  So the rating..  One hot air blimp, filled with topless lesbian asian ghetto rapping nuns armed with dildo like battery powered super squirters they are soaking eachother with some white milky substance, probably lobster juice - as if you didn't know..  And that explains why they smell like fish too..  About time I cracked myslef up..  Speaking of crack we have to go crimbing one of these days..

Nice ride - Thanks for the excellent tour AnkleBiter!!..