Long time no recap!!   Today its 2 for the price of one..  2 long boring bad recaps.. So Monday, THPS, PMD and myself climbed like scalded monkeys in celebration of THPS's expulsion from his mommys womb (skate board and all)..    Before anyone showed up, Intern dave gave me shit about my stylishly short self induced hair cut..the fact that he even noticed makes him look... - oh stop it you beast not now  -  Someone buy me a flobie..    Anyway so Doctor dave forgot his climbing pants and is wearing these really ugly brown cords - I think THPS quilted him into buying some prana wear shorts for fear of embarrassment..   DD all ready to give me a ride so im ready for redemption - warm up on the 5.11 white, its been so long felt like a virgin..  Couple tight spots but I cleaned it, like the 5.9+ it is...   Doctor Dave or sperm doctor dave up next, needs to warm up - sissy..  Comes down and professes his love for THPS - I sheit you not - direct quote "I love you"..  They embrace with nothing but an avalanche shirt between them, there new bond, im gonna cry...    See THPS - I told you there were plenty of fish in the sea and this sperm doctor is swimming towards YOU..   THPS up next needs to reach for pink to make himself look less limp wristed..    Actually has some trouble, but enjoys the pink up to the top..  PMD shows up, and is contemplating climbing as its her last punch ("Ive gotta headache") - "me too" - "not that kind of headache"...    Headache in hand (DOH) shes ready to flop up all the 5.7's that are really in her defense 5.9+..  I work on the 11's and 12's in the back room and actually make some progress..  PMD tells me I look like a cricket on the 12 (she likes crickets)..  I throw my ball at her from 20 feet - get white stuff all over her hair...   Sorry...   Trad girl is hanging next to me on the dark green, at one point she held my foot on the little nub - payback for not kicking her in the head.. Rember the down wind climber has the right of way!!   THPS does laps on OUR wall, and ends up rainbowing up some 5.7's..   SDD refuses to take my UN-beta on any climb - no toe hook??  Thats unheard of..  We get his posse (and PUSSY) to start heckling him too (Evil d's twin sister and company)..  Just imagine those muffled lips moving under his ridiculouse big cord pants "come on you can make the move sperm doctor dave - do the toe hook, spread me like the 3 dollar whore that I am" - says SDD's pussy..   Anyway - have to beat up on dave - its his recap debut - im sure he will resemble it...  Yes resemble...  I flashed the unrated 5.9 green by skipping the first 3 holds..   THPS one flop on the barber shop green white..  Lots of climbing babes rummaging  for fresh meat on the market are sniffing THPS's posterior, wish I had my camera..

 OH - What happened to Big Bird and his chick?  They called in sick!!   Later that night his roomie caught him squeezing the charmin and will be evicted at the end of the month..   WHO-HOOOOO...

So - Dinner for 3 at a new non smokey bar, drinks food, bad service, small drinks, good food, spicy squid, strange chicken, cry baby soup for me - back to smokey for sure..   Good climb - 76 hours to freedom for THPS.!!  Needs a ho for saturday night - skybox seats at the monster truck show..  Inquire within..

Tuesday - BIg BIrd and SWB (or FWB - you be the judge or BBC big birds chick, or TEN the eviction notice or hiker chick or peak bagger, or the bag lady, see your name could be worse its that easy, if you threw up you could be jess the mess, I could go on and on and on, and most likely will - where were we??), and me flopped around..   focker dangling on bad caution, I warm up on 5.10c barber shop green and finally clean it..   So young neil pokes his head into the locker room and wants to know, what im climbing, because theres something on his mind..  He later interjects the happy climbing 3 some we had going and asks "can I get a ride on the red one in the back room?"...   So Big BIrd is laughing his ass off, and I leave with my tail between my legs..   So lucky me the red one was already being ridden so I gave neil a ride on the hard black one, you know the one with the big green brain on the side..   He then gives me a ride on the hard blacky, I flop only once, maybe twice could have been three times but no more than four.. Focking armatures still bogarting the hard red one, making a mess of it..   Back to the front room to see what team big bird is up to - BB on the skywall - hes come a long way in 4 weeks..   BB asks sme - "how was DI last night" - I respond "she was good - realllllll good" - Neil turns red..   I get beat up on my own focking un-beta on neils 5.11 red..  DAM..   Had that wired, now im smacking every hold like benny hill..  I miss benny hill.. So then proceed to get SPANKED like a bad monkey on the 5.5/12 caution..   Back room - FWB - Limey project, makes the bottom so smooth, but her fwb's got in the way and knocked her off..  Just kidding..  Nope never live it down..  SO actually I TRY to give some priceless 75 cent unbeta but Big Bird SCOLDS me for the mear thought that I could offer usefull advice to a REAL climber..  We are just hackers but prowd of it..   So she flops elegantly to the top..  Next up BB - falls exactly where FWB slipped, because he wants to be just like her..  Hard red one getting worn out still by stop and shop baggers with brand new shoes and harnesses..   YN up the dark green, one flop - nice..   Finally the hard red is open and although im spanked like a moab dinner pancake, my curiosity gets the best of me..   Actually make the first couple moves, then have to dislocate both my shoulders to reach a nub, have trouble reaching for the Firm Brown Sloper..  Flop Flop, finally dino lunge frump to the last move..  6.5 flops, finally make it..   Just have to put the awkwardness together - story of my life..

I have to interupt this crappy recap, Ankle biter just called me from his cell phone traveling home from FL - hes in NC and this guy is driving next to him, flaggin him down, trying to pick him up, so the guy holds up a sign with his cell # on it - he calls (of course), it turns out its a bikerag fan and wants his autograph, im thinking one of those liquid autographs (ice-t style "after I dog it, I autograph it....", but hey - AB needs a brake from driving and there's a rest area COMEing up..  End of insertion (well not the end of insertion for Ankle biter) ..  "I want you to put me on the wheel" green jelly.

So Back to climbing - red killed kenny, Time for smokey - we ask Neil but hes too young..  Typical scene, grey gooses and drunk owners..   FWB bored with mountain bike conversation focuses on the drunks at the table across the way, describing how BIG something was, with there hands spread 2 feet apart..   Nickname discussion turns bad as SWB wants to know "how do you know there soft"..   I refrain from conducting the Tinius Olsen tensile test reach across the table and bow my head speachless..  Offer some alternative names, try denial, mental illness, FWB is smart and sees through my ploy of diplomacy..   One more drink and things would have turned ugly..   Someone help SWB, or FWB get a new, lowly, self degrading, embarrasing, filthy, disgusting name that she may or may not deserve.. Then and only then will she feel worthy enough to be on the official senior dissalot email list..  Shes just sick of being a CC...   Anyway - all kidding aside - Jess DOh is an excellent addition to the "team", a real climber, a mountaineer, a peak bagger etc..   Lets hope we can change all that..

Good game nice game good game..

Rating - To kick off the recap rating season, I will try to make a non-sexual non disgusting good wholesome rating that does not include naked strippers painted like cows and getting milked by midgets with blue lipstick from charlie and the chocholate factory.  I will not reference that one in a thousand chance you get a goose embrio egg and sausage samwich at the wallingford dunkin donuts..   I wont tell GI jane about the shaved latex clathen strap on lesbian brass ky jelly pole strippers at Shake and bakes unspoken birthday bash to batchelorhood party..   I wont even eat that ham and cheese sandwich I bought in jackson hole but found this morning as I was reaching under my crum and bug infested  seat looking for loose gritty change and beer stained dollar bills left over from kahoots so I can buy some focking fast food breakfast..    So instead of milking everything in site with nipples and puking all over all my friends after eating a cold, 7 day old corn beef and chille' sandwich, I will say this about that...    Nipple Nipple Nipple - Ok heres the rating - nipple

4 buckets of foamy - after sex at the top of a mountain, big bird bright yellow urine enriched with  pubic moth balls and 7 blood clots  settled at the bottom, first one to bob for 5 out of the 7 clots and ALL BALLS in under one minute wins 50 grand on the next fear factor..  Desperate implant manifested semi fit models, come on down..  You KNOW they will steal this from me..  Fockers..

PS - I just painted my breast wall white - it looks like a cow..

PSS - what was slow beta - I forgot

PM